clinging to middle school feelings
as a kid i always felt inherently gross for some reason. i wouldnt call my mom a hoarder, but we had a lot of stuff and a lot of dogs that would always track dirt into my room and bed. my room felt like it never belonged to me. the hardwood floors were painted but they would always chip and turn brown from the dirt they carried on their paws. it smelled like dog.
i love my mom so much though. honestly it feels wrong to complain. she has given me a great life, and shes super supportive and everything. i just look back and i cant believe i was living like that. even now, having moved out almost 2 years ago, i still feel gross all the time. i just feel like an inherently disgusting person. but its just one of those things, sometimes i think that a lot of my personality comes from my middle school self and my experiences. one of my classmates told me my ears were small, ive never quite let that one go. ever since they told me, ive never seen my ears the same. my crush called me fat and that definitely has stuck with me. i was underweight at the time actually, and now that ive actually put some weight on its a weird moment to look back on. i hold onto comments about my body, good or bad, with a vice grip.
like everyone else, i felt so awkward about my body in middle school. like i didnt quite look right, my proportions were off. i felt like i had a huge torso and big stomping legs, like my mouth was too small and my face was too big. i still kinda feel that way now. sometimes i feel that way more than others. i have scoliosis that makes me look a little funky, so that definitely didnt help either. im sure thats why i felt so weird about how i looked, because my ribcage was slowly rotating and my spine was shifting out of place. i wish i could go back and tell myself, but by the time id noticed my scoliosis it was too late for a brace.
i think what made me think of all of this is that i have a couple of pimples on my face right now. that always brings me back. i never had a face full of acne, but i would get small breakouts pretty frequently. its the little things that remind me of my past self, implicitly or not.