my intentions, the why, etc.
one of my new years resolutions this year was to start a blog. despite never really reading blogs, and the fact that i have no idea what im doing and no qualifications, i just felt drawn to the idea. in middle school and a lot of high school, maybe even earlier, i was really REALLY big into oversharing on the internet. which was fine. i mean i only really shared to my small instagram account of less than 100 people, comprised of a nice mixture of online and real life friends. i dont even really know when i stopped doing this, i suppose it happened slowly. i started to actually do things outside of the confines of my room, hanging out with friends and all that. but before i genuinely would post like 10 times a day on my instagram story. that account had over 2000 posts (before i archived all of them to feel comfortable enough to show my first boyfriend who was begging for me to accept his follow request). i was genuinely constantly posting. honestly though i loved it. i was only getting like 15 views per story, but it didn't really matter. i loved the constant feedback on what i was doing. even if i didn't get replies, i loved feeling like my posts were going somewhere. i tended to feel quite lonely and isolated growing up, because even when i had friends i just felt like my small town existed in the middle of nowhere. a nothing. i had this phone where i could see, in extreme detail, everything that was happening in the world. and it all felt so far away. 3+ hours from any sort of big city... for whatever reason the distance away from the world and the feeling it evoked really shaped me as a person. so i guess being able to reach a little group of people from various places in the world really just struck me as entertaining. i dont know.
anyways, all that is to say i really need a place to dump all of my shit. i love my boyfriend and my friends, but i feel like they dont even know me sometimes. if i try to even get remotely emotionally deep with them, sometimes it feels like reaching a dead end. honestly its crushing. i am a person who feels very deeply. it can be painful to feel like nobody gets you. obviously thats a universal, intrinsically human feeling. but i just want a place to spill my guts again. its different from when i was a kid though, because i dont really care for oversharing to the people in my life anymore. id much rather keep it isolated.
so here it is :) i really hope i can stick to this, because just writing out this first post feels very good. it feels comfortable.